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Re: The Devil’s in the Details

From: Byron Tomar
To: Full Congregation
Subject: The Devil’s in the Details – Final Qs

Father Conover,

We hope you’re as excited as we are about this proactive and forward-thinking partnership between GloboGen and Holy Trinity Church! Our CEO likes to say that “the tripod of America stands on family, business, and religion.” As you know the devil is in the details, so we have a few final Qs to get in writing before we can execute:

1) Total number of “clients” buried in Holy Trinity cemetery?

2) Number of “clients” > 100 y.o.? (Decomposition becomes issue at this point)

3) Confirmation cemetery will be free for sampling between 6:30pm and 8:30pm weeknights?

As agreed, we’ll be depositing the tithes (I kid) in four quarterly installments. Lastly, we want to offer your departed parishioners a hearty welcome to the GloboGen family.

In prayer and profit,

Byron Tomar
Regional Acquisitions Manager
GloboGen East

 

 

From: Byron Tomar
To: Full Congregation
Subject: Re: What is this about? EXPLAIN!

It’s a good thing I turn off phone notifications during my lunch break or I wouldn’t have gotten through a single bite of my low-carb veggie wrap! I can see that many of you are wondering why you received a sensitive and—I must stress—PRIVATE email communication? I think I figured out what happened. Apparently, when I tried to email Father Conover, F.Conover@holytrinitychu.org, it auto-populated with the address for the Holy Trinity Full Congregation listserv, F.Con.Lists@holytrinitychu.org. (Digital data is included in every acquisition package.) Technology, am I right? I can promise our scientists will be more careful when they’re extracting genetic samples at your cemetery!

On behalf of GloboGen, I apologize for cluttering up your inbox.

With thoughts and prayers,

Byron Tomar
Regional Acquisitions Manager
GloboGen East

 

 

From: Byron Tomar
To: Full Congregation
Subject: Re: GRAVEROBBER!!!

Hoo boy. Seems my attempt to clarify things only confused the matter more. I guess that’s why we pay the PR people the big bucks!

If I’m being honest, we’re dealing with some regulatory headaches right now thanks to a recent (and ill-advised) Act of Congress. Everyone’s tense in the office these days. Just this morning, when I was refilling my Best Regional Manager mug with coffee (splash of milk, 2 sugars), I asked Courtney, that’s our VP of Sales, if she could pass me a bag of Wink’s Chips (a brand of puffed rice chips in our snack cabinet that I particularly enjoy) and Courtney thought I said “pink slip” and broke down in tears. To put it another way, the bosses have been riding our asses like Satan hounding Jesus in the dessert. So what I’m proposing is I answer a couple Qs, then we all forget this whole kerfuffle.

Deal?

Let’s start with the basics: GloboGen is a multinational corporation that operates a variety of data-forward biotechnology brands that deliver the promises of tomorrow to consumers today. My job is acquiring DNA samples to increase the number of genetic assets our scientists can work with. How can I put this? It’s kind of like being a football scout and deciding which of your local Centerville High wide receivers should get recruited for Division I. (Go Centerville Cougars!)

Don’t worry, if you’re alive enough to read this email then Father Conover didn’t sell us your DNA. Haha! That would be illegal thanks to a rather unfortunate bill rammed through Congress this year. Rather, GloboGen has acquired “first genetic serial rights” to the occupants of the Holy Trinity cemetery. DNA is a genetic code that contains all the information to guide your cells to make you into you. It’s kind of like the Bible of your body. Our scientists study these “Bibles” and use the information to produce a range of products including designer organs, bio-organic robotic assistants, and food-grade modified porcine farm units. Did you see the news story about the athlete who broke the 100-yard dash record after surgically implanting new lungs? Those were GloboGen lungs!

Sadly, because of Congress’s Genetic Liberty and National DNA Patriotism Act (GLANDPA)—which we believe was passed without proper analysis thanks to pressure from radical special interest groups like doctors, public school teachers, and “ethicists”—GloboGen can’t sell any products or services that utilize the genetic code of any living or recently deceased (<15 years) American citizens. Luckily, church cemeteries contain a cornucopia of corpses for our curative cravings (sorry I was an English major :P). The new law also prevents us from growing “cognitively functioning humans” on U.S. soil. So our scientists have developed a proprietary process to form “cognitively-dormant humanoid organ gardens.” This process allows us to provide customers with organs freshly harvested from actual humanoid bodies instead of grown in petri dishes like our competitors! “If you want organs, go organic.” These cognitively dormant humanoid organ gardens (or CHOGs as we affectionately call them) have all sorts of uses. Did you watch the holovideo of Sister Wowow’s pop song where she stands in a stadium filled with breathing, nude bodies piled on top of each other that sway eerily to the bass line yet otherwise are an immobile, pale, and unblinking mass of flesh? Those weren’t CGI, those were GloboGen Body Buddy® rentals! While I never had the fortune of meeting the departed Holy Trinity parishioners who now reside in your (if I may be so bold) lovely cemetery, I believe they would be proud to add their genetic data to a basket of innovative biotechnology brands such as those held by GloboGen.

Putting this to bed,

Byron Tomar
Regional Acquisitions Manager
GloboGen East

 

 

From: Byron Tomar
To: Full Congregation
Subject: Re: Cool! But What About Vampires?

To Timmy Snyder: Interesting question! I can say that we use a three-part drilling process: 1) a 12-inch steel auger to dig through the ground 2) a four-inch hole saw to enter the casket 3) two-inch “extractor” for sampling. However, no, Timmy, I don’t believe that our drill would “count as a stake” in order to “slay any draculas hiding inside the coffins.” (Can Dracula be pluralized?) Don’t let your imagination run too wild!

 

 

From: Byron Tomar
To: Full Congregation
CC: Father Conover
Subject: Re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: No Holy Trinity Zombies!

Wow, okay, first off, this isn’t the kind of language I would expect from honest, church-going Americans. I would like us all to CALM DOWN and remember we all want the same thing here: a robust American economy that rewards innovation and services consumers like you. While I should be heading home to eat dinner (long day), and my blood sugar is dropping (I am a diabetic), I’m going to stay here with my rumbling belly (we are out of Wink’s Chips) and respond to more of your comments. I do this in the interest of building trust in our financial partnership.

MRS. MELINDA DILL: Your accusation is VERY unfair. I did not make it sound like “our lord Jesus Christ was lost in a banana split and saving souls from a bowl of brownie batter” when I said that “the bosses have been riding our asses like Satan hounding Jesus in the dessert.” I simply made a typo. Desert. Dessert. The words are very close! Let ye who have never made a typo cast the first stone…

CAL CALVIN: I will not pretend to be a scholar of the scriptures, but I find the claim that using a deceased person’s DNA means “their soul will be trapped in torment stuck between heaven and earth, never living and never dying, damned between dimensions for all eternity” to be extremely dubious. Perhaps Father Conover can weigh in? If he ever checks his email(!)

PAULA GREEN: As a matter of fact, no, I wouldn’t say that CHOGs are “science fiction zombies.” Just because our CHOGs have nonfunctional cerebral matter doesn’t mean they “hunger for brains and could kill us all.” I think it is quite prejudiced for you to say so.

MR. OSCAR MORRIS: Yes, I’m aware of the viral video of CHOGs stumbling around a playground and falling into a ball pit you refer to, but A) this was a test in our facility and no children were present B) the video was released without permission by a disgruntled former employee and C) the footage is completely out of context. That’s all there is to say about that.

TIMMY SNYDER (again): No, the drill doesn’t “splatter apart a brain like the zombies in Undead Uglies.” I have not played the video game—I work 60 hours a week—but our drill doesn’t enter the skull at all. The human body’s organs begin to decompose within 72 hours of the cessation of blood circulation and within a week the cadaver is overtaken by bloat, blood-foam, and death gas. Unless we catch a “Live One” as the technicians call a >30 hour cadaver, we don’t take samples from organs but rather large bones (femur, pelvis, etc.)

MRS. CLIFFORD: WHO, exactly, refers to deoxyribonucleic acid as “the devil’s scripture”???

Father Conover, maybe it’s time you contributed to this dialogue?

Patiently,

BT

 

 

From: Byron Tomar
To: Full Congregation
Subject: Re: re: What sickos buy these?

Mrs. Melinda Dill, our CHOGs, as outlined by Congress, are not “people.” Unlike some of our competitors, we do not pretend they are by, say, giving our models human monikers like Belinda, Tyrone, Juan, Chad, or Yoko. (Looking at you, People Tech Inc.) Our models are designated with impersonal yet descriptive titles to serve customer clarity when purchasing. Our most popular models are Short Grandma #9, Fat Uncle #5, Little Girl #13, Jolly Boy #8, and Handsome Man #3.

Why would people want our products? I feel like you, Melinda, frankly, are not even trying to think through the exciting opportunities CHOGs provide. The medical benefits of freshly harvested organs with no risk of rot or disease are obvious, I would think. Additionally, haven’t you ever had a party you were worried would be poorly attended? Haven’t you ever been alone and wished you could rent a warm body to lay beside you (in a completely non-sexual way, the CHOGs are incapable of arousal) through the night? Haven’t you ever just wanted a friend who would listen instead of talk talk talk, blab blab blab? Haven’t you ever wanted to just reach out and feel something, another humanoid entity, who would be there for you without judgement, desires, or ulterior motives?

If not, I’d say you are a lucky one! Count your blessings. Let the rest of us find the comfort that we can afford.

BT

 

 

From: Byron Tomar
To: Father Conover
CC: Full Congregation
Subject: Re: Jesus teaches us to keep an open mind

Yes, thank you Father Conover for weighing in. Finally. While I’m not sure “torments afflicted on the laboratory concoctions” is how I’d phrase it—there are no torments! The CHOGs do not even have brains!—I do agree “the eternal souls of Holy Trinity parishioners are secured by God in Heaven and immune from the base, worldly dealings of man.”

As the Father hints at when he mentions “the financial trials with which the Lord is testing our faith,” but is too polite to state directly, the reason that Holy Trinity is partnering with GloboGen is that your church is experiencing a cash liquidity problem. You’re broke! Let’s just be honest, okay? So really, if you think about it, this is all YOUR fault. Yes, you Melinda Dill and Oscar Morris and the whole sanctimonious lot of you. If you were a little more generous when the little wicker basket went around, maybe none of us would be in this situation, okay?

 

 

From: Byron Tomar
To: Full Congregation
CC: GloboGen PR-Alison, Father Conover
Subject: An apology and a confession

I would like to take a step back and express regrets for any hurt feelings that may have been caused by any previous infelicitous comments. Having finally eaten (leftovers) and slept (a few hours, tossing and turning) I can see I was speaking out in an anger that is not representative of Christ’s love or the values of GloboGen.

I want to be open and honest with you fine people, just as we are asking you to open up your coffins to GloboGen. I have been in a rough patch recently. The lord is really testing me right now. My wife died this past May from cancer, although I believe it was really due to heartbreak: our precious daughter passed away shortly after birth last year. We’d been trying for a long time to get pregnant. We had a whole list of names ready. I won’t bore you with them. But suffice to say, Allison, Nora, and Sasha were on the short list. Mrs. Tomar and I had always believed in the American dream of stable careers, a house with a little backyard, and two or three children filling the halls with laughter. We’d scrimped and saved our whole lives. Put our money in IRAs and 401(k)s. Now, I’m alone in a three-bedroom house and the only sounds that fill the halls are my own tears. Yes, a man can cry. We live in modern times.

You know what hurts me the most? In both cases, the doctors told us that if they had GloboGen Portable CHOG Freezers in the hospital then they would have been able to transplant fresh and reliable organs so that my wife and child might still be here today. I cannot help but ask myself what my life would be like if people were a little more forward-thinking and open to disrupting outdated paradigms? It haunts me. I would just ask you to think about my wife and my child that never got a chance before you condemn GloboGen for the work we do.

Sincerely and solemnly,
Byron Tomar

 

 

From: Byron Tomar
To: Full Congregation
CC: GloboGen PR-Alison, Father Conover
Subject: Re: Lying GloboGen Necromancer Rot In HELL!

No Melinda Dill, I am not a liar!! I don’t care what court records you checked that “prove Byron Tomar of Nassau County, New York was divorced three years ago and never fathered any children.” It’s not a lie! It’s a parable! JFC, do you people really think Jesus went around multiplying fish like some bargain basement magician? Abracadabra here’s a barracuda? No! But the STORY is powerful.

And you know who DOES multiply genes with advanced laboratory techniques? GloboGen. If Christ rose from the grave today (with or without the help of our patented processes) I’m quite sure he’d be on GloboGen’s side!

 

 

From: Byron Tomar
To: Full Congregation
Subject: Re: re: re: Lying GloboGen Necromancer Rot In HELL!

No, Melinda.
Fuucckk
yoooooo
ooooooo
ooooooo
uuuuuuu!

 

 

From: Byron Tomar
To: Full Congregation
Subject: Fwd: Legally Binding Notice To All Recipients

Please see below.

———- Forwarded message ———
From: GloboGen Legal

Byron. Send this ASAP. We’ll have a long little chat later.

LEGALLY BINDING NOTICE

In accordance with the recently and faithfully executed contract between GloboGen and Holy Trinity Church–Centerville, section 14C-2, “all communications between GloboGen employees and addresses, phone numbers, or email accounts operated by Holy Trinity Church are privileged information and legally protected from disclosure.” If you were not the intended recipient or the message was addressed to you in error, or messages were sent in response to an original unintended message, then any use, dissemination, or storage of the messages is prohibited. Violations past or present may result in legal fees and/or forfeiture of your genetic code to GloboGen for a period of genetic exclusivity of no less than fifteen years.

 

 

From: Byron Tomar
To: Full Congregation
Subject: Fwd: Stop Replying, Byron!

———- Forwarded message ———
From: GloboGen PR-Alison

Byron,

We’ll be having that “communications strategy review” at 12:45. You sent them the notice from legal, right? Please stop replying! Just send them a discount code and be done with it.

Say something like: “As a gesture of goodwill, I’m happy to authorize a 10% discount code for DNA Detective, GloboGen’s direct-to-consumer genetic testing service. Send us a simple cheek swab and we’ll track down the story of your family tree. DNA Detective is on the case! Use code: HolyTrin10. Code expires in thirty days.”

But put it in your own words. Actually, let’s not even risk it. Just send that. You really did it this time, Byron. Christ.

Lincoln Michel is the author of the story collection "Upright Beasts" (Coffee House Press) and the novel "The Body Scout" (Orbit Books). He is co-editor of the anthologies "Tiny Crimes" (Catapult) and "Tiny Nightmares" (Catapult).

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