Editor’s Note: To celebrate our fifth anniversary issue, we’re sharing a piece originally published in the Southern California Review–the predecessor journal to Air/Light. A full archive of SCR is available for free online, and more information about the journal and archive can be found here.
Live? How could I live on-knowing::: :::::Oh sure I could hold on
Wait–worry–But I had to hear the sobs–I know what I must look
like
Live? I did live on–when the bullets rained I fell–over the girls I
knew he was gone–I knew I had to change things
We were partners–you know–we thought as one–Sometimes he
thought it was all-him-why not::::I knew::::it was us
The changes–the acceptable changes–The work– The worry
But We Pulled Through
The people who used us–stole from us–tried to divide us from each
other
But we pulled through
We were at the plateau– not resting but catching our breaths–The girls
were doing all–right–a stumble here–and there–but all right
Then this-this mark that could not be erased–the mistake that could not
be corrected::::::::! only wanted to Help her
Help cleanse her
Help tame her hate
Her fears
that thing that ran in his family
I brought the boy home hoping trying yes praying scared I was too old too
tired to make a difference but trying
We argued:::and we argued:::but this to me–I didn’t feel like it
I wanted my cross word puzzle and late night radio–I wanted peace
I felt him before I heard him::::::::Heard him before I saw him ::::Called
out MALCOLM don’t do this to me
And he threw gasoline on me
MALCOLM don’t do this to yourself:::::Stop Now
and he lit the match
MALCOLM I called MALCOLM MALCOLM
and he tossed it
How could I live on–like some thing out of Richard Wright’s poem–like
an object for people to come view–like a shadow of myself No I could
survive but could not live on Knowing my grandbaby::::: named for a great
man who loved me ::: ::: wanted needed insisted upon My Death
I could not live on and wake up-from that nightmare
